CHAPTER I - THE BRIDGE

THERE I WAS, STANDING AT THE RAILING OF THE OLD IRON BRIDGE WHICH CROSSES OVER THE RIVER NEAR MY HOUSE.

It had of course been replaced decades ago and moved to where it now sits...and here it still stands amidst the dense underbrush and newer trees until it remains but barely visible a good quarter mile or so from the much newer concrete bridge which had taken its place...better able to handle the heavy traffic of this 
 major state highway.

It's usefulness as a 
means of conveyance 
over the water was now 
long since over, true.

But not to me. 
No, for I love to come out here 
sometimes when I need quiet..like now 
as I was, standing, seriously lost 
in thought with night slowly closing in.

Oh I wasn't thinking of jumping 
or anything, splat and all that, 
but I was certainly in a mood most foul.

Part of me wanted to howl, and the rest of me was content to just stand here with everything but my body way off somewhere headed God knows where...

and my tail dragging behind me.

There was a bit of mist now in the air, 
and fair to say...

it added to the almost mystical ambience.

Feeling lost and more than a bit alone and not really knowing why any of this was happening or indeed had happened.

Not really.

Sadness I suppose was filling my heart but maybe more too I guess...and I confess my heart and mind were off in space, when into this place, I felt a...

Presence.

"Odd," I thought.  "Nobody ever comes down here," where I was standing being really off the beaten path as they say.

I shivered.

A moment of fear? Perhaps? "What if?" But then..."who would hear me way out here? Indeed, who would hear my screams? I would be nothing but skeletal remains (adorable but still...) and little else before anyone ever..."

My eyes grappled with the task of seeing who or what this was approaching me...

Invading my space as well as my land, 
and why? 
"It isn't hunting season," I thought.

Once more as a slight breeze began to ruffle the leaves on the trees all around me and the sycamores whispered all of their darkest secrets, and the crickets began their nightly refrain...and a whipporwill began to cry, and my heart began to die...slowly and fully...and the old ripples of my beloved Edgar Allan Poe stories...began to stir my soul, as I heard a sobbing, which I presumed was merely the continuing robbing of my soul still fresh and raw but it seemed to be coming totally from within my tortured soul as suddenly I was reminded of the holes left in me by recent events.

"Why didn't I die? I should have," I screamed silently inside my heart and mind. 

"I DIED INSIDE," or so it has seemed these past few months...the emptiness echoing across the vast expanse of nothingness that now occupies that which had 
not so long ago been happy and full of life.

"HELLO," I heard but still couldn't really see, again adding to the mystical quality of the moment.

"Hello?" I muttered back, a bit quivery...totally unsure of my footing and a bit shaky to boot, and then something 
came into view.

I FROZE IN PLACE, my feet instantly unable to move even an inch. 

"You?" I whispered shakily while I stood aghast at what I was looking at. "This cannot be," I thought.

"You? No...it can't be.

You...DIED." 
(Didn't you was the unspoken last part 
of that sentence my brain was far 
too stunned to utter.

"But...you DIED? HOW?" 
and again I thought this but didn't say it, overtaken by this sudden turn...and my heart began to feel a familiar burn. Then I felt the tears start to at first trickle and then torrent down my cheeks and no peeks at a mirror to smooth away the damage was going to work its magic this time and my lips began

To part into an ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

My knees went weak and just as I was about to crescendo into a very unattractive pile of utterly spent human flesh here on the old iron bridge, I felt those oh so familiar arms...start to encircle, and my falling STOPPED

DEAD

In its tracks..

Cracks in my sanity began showing more clear, but how can this be YOU? HERE? 
SO NEAR?

And I can...feel you, and yes 
I knew I could.

I can smell the scent I used to cherish 
so much, as it was like no others' natural fragrance and oh how I loved to wake up lying next to and against you...

And that wondrous touch that always so excited me and that no other person 
could ever quite equal...

A prequel to so much fun, love, 
excitement and peace...

At least until THAT night and the drunk driver and you...

CEASED.

Then, no more for me

To see

To feel

And to be with.

No more laughter on the pillow

Or snuggled under the willow

Or

Headed to the beach?

ALL that was now totally out of reach.

I thought I would NEVER stop crying

NEVER EVER EVER...SO UNFAIR...

SO GODDAMN FUCKING UNFAIR...

PLEASE SWEET JESUS?

GOD WHY?

WHY?

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?

And my pillows are still wet...from the gallons of tears, and the fears for me?

What now? WHAT FUCKING NOW?

Omg honey. I thought this was 
the end of me too.

But cruel joke

CRUEL GODDAMN JOKE!

I kept on...Day after day

Same shitty day after day

Going through the motions and oceans of tear and pain-filled grief strewn about 
with rose-petals like we used to toss

AND THEN WE WOULD LAUGH AND LAUGH AND

GOD how I miss that.

But how can you be here?

I stood motionless and in silent disbelief 
as you just stood and held me once more.

I almost hit the floor of my sanity, but then you leaned in a bit and nuzzled my neck 
and as always I was INSTANTLY at your beck and call. How? 

I do not know, but finally I found my voice and

"WHY HOW WHEN...." all came gushing out in a POUNDING whisper...and you leaned into my ear, gave it a wondrous lick just as you always used to and whispered...

"I came, honey, because I had to. It was breaking my heart to see you like this."

  

I just stared at him.

The love of my life until SO near ago...

I stared and wanted and...

Lusted OH YES I DID, but something said...no, not tonight

Oh right, HE DEAD and I started to giggle which seemed just so horribly out of place, given that...

And then I stopped.

Stopped and just moved completely 
into the moment. Neither of us 
saying a word.

But then I heard, this far-off voice say,

"LISTEN my precious one...

LISTEN..for I have much to tell you

And SO little time."

Then I knew.

You had not come back to be mine.

"Mine? Oh my God. Honeyboy, I want you sooo baaaaaaaaaad," and the sadness I had carried like a dead weight around my heart for 15 months started finally to erupt.

Just as abruptly, you pulled me tighter and it felt as if we were beginning to float.

Just inches above the bridge floor, 
and then I heard...music. 

Start to

Play...

OMG

OUR SONG,

And my heart began to hum along

Although I really couldn't

You see, for the moaning and the tears 
of me streaming...

And then I noticed a radiance 
all around you, a beaming...

Like a thousand points of light

And we seemed to take to flight

And to a place I know I have never been 
and then...darkness.

Absolute darkness...

And DEAFENING silence...

Where was I

And what IS this place?

All I knew was I was in your arms 
and that was all that mattered.

Like the Mad Hatter of Alice In Wonderland fame and with my emotions racing, 
I felt like muttering gibberish,

but I could not.

ALL I COULD DO

Was to let you hold me and cry and cry 
and ache and wonder...

What was next?

What was this, now?
And how did we get here?

I FELT FEAR!

(TO BE CONTINUED)