Here we were. An old married couple.
Jake and me. YUP YUP.
Been together for jest forevah, yah know?
I MEAN, DING DANG DINGUS.
We been together TWO WHOLE DAYS,
so...
Ok. Stop giggling.
We did feel like a really rad and bodacious kinda couple true,
but that didn't mean everything
was always simple.
Nor would it ever be in all likelihood.
For example, what about our friends.
Course for Jake that basically meant ME,
him being so new here and all...
and no problem there.
I approved. Hee hee.
But what about my friends?
What about our families?
Oops.
Okay, mine were cool with us...
my family that is.
NO siblings to have to murder
which is always a plus.
Mother and dad.
SCORE ONE FOR THE TWITS!
They took to Jake almost as fast
and as much as I had.
But again. What about Jake's family?
Our families had never met.
Mine knew Jake but his mom and dad
had never met me.
"What if they don't like me, Jake?
What then? HUH? What?
I will have to go join a convent.
I wonder what they wear?
Nothing maudlin I hope!"
"YOU are NOT EVEN catholic, fool."
"I...uh...uh...um..
ok, I CAN BE you know."
This was of course only the latest episode
of Jake rolling his eyes
while I acted insulted
or despondent or crazed,
which meant time for...
'THE JAKE & DUSTY SHOW'
It ain't easy being me yah know?
But I DID know that day would come
and soon and I was really nervous.
Ok not nervous exactly and nervous
is much too wimpy a term.
PETRIFIED!
Ahh much better yes.
Petrified and a teench of scared shitless,
not to mention tossing in a dab of
fear on steroids stuffies.
I must ask my sweet Jakey.
"Does your mother wear any sidearms
as a general rule? You know,
like when baking gingerbread and stuff?"
THIS was gonna be a
GUINESS RECORD
of an eye roll Ah jest knows it.
"Honeybear,
(hehe, his nick for me.
So cutesie huh).
"Don't worry. They will.
C'mon you are adorable.
What's not to like, ok?"
Course he was right. Yeh yeh. Sho nuf,
I am that is true, BUT...
"Adorable only goes so far, Jakey,"
I retorted in my most serious of
sixteen year old voices.
I MEAN.
This was major important stuff here.
"We can't count on that you know."
"Count on what?"
"My adorable uh..itey, carrying the day.
What about your brothers and sister?
You know what teenagers are like.
I mean. 14 year old twins?
GEEZ...and your sister?
EEEK!
Easy methinks to understand teenagerdom
for us SINCE both of us still were
and would be for awhile yet.
"They will ALL love you,
so stop worrying doofus."
Of course, that little remark then
had to cost him and OH was he gonna pay...
and pay big time. so I then did
the only possible thingy and mock slapped
his mouth. Then of course he had to
retaliate for that
OUTRAGEOUS
act of agression...
so, I got kissed. Sigh.
War IS HELL, ain't it.
Now this being our first semi-official
something or other,
which if not squelched
might lead to rank insubordination and
plank-walking and all sorts of mayhem...
that had to be taken into consideration.
Yup. NO WEAPONS!
(Wait, does that mean lips too? EEEK).
SO, then we did the ONLY
conceivably apt thing
given the circumstances and the declaration
of war provisions and all that.
THE PROTOCOLS,
crucial in times like these.
ONE of us, who shall remain nameless
of course, started it. Then the what eventually
(an hour or so later. Okay five minutes)
became known as the
TAH DAH
(I had to do my own drum roll.
How amateur is that?)
THINGY occured.
Anyways AKA
THE OFFICIAL
SUPERSERIOUSLY
'DUSTY & JAKE'
WARSTUFF...STUFF,
and just how kewl is THAT,
I mean,
which by its very nature and according to
the old iron bridge protocols as it relates
to war/non-war/war STUFF, ok,
does mandate and require
and all that kind of oh so official thingus...
IM POH TUNT dippitly doo,
anyway, to put it laymen's terms...
There must be LOTS of kissies and huggies
and hand-holding
AND one of the
most important parts, giggling.
Okay, I WIN...IF
you toss out everything but giggling.
That mah FORTE!
Okay. This went on for a tad...
UNTIL
our peace and quiet and slapsies and huggies and serious smooching was INTERRUPTED, (how RUDE), by my mother.
GASP.
We were sitting out by the pool
and soaking up some rays...
and
and
conserving seating space
by my sitting in his lap
on one of the chaise loungers
which meant acts of war
were up close and personal,
especially since he had his arms
around me
TO THE POINT
I was fearing gangrene setting in. Hee.
LOUNGERING while vulnerable as we were
to aerial bombing and sniper attacks
and all that fun stuff
one normally associates with
poolside festivities at least here, today...
and I kept pointing that out
which of course meant
FEAR HUGGIES,
and those are the BEST,
if you toss in sneak attacks
on lips and earlobes and things.
OH GOD
I AM SOOO GOOD AT THOSE.
which meant acts of war
were up close and personal,
especially since he had his arms
around me
TO THE POINT
I was fearing gangrene setting in. Hee.
LOUNGERING while vulnerable as we were
to aerial bombing and sniper attacks
and all that fun stuff
one normally associates with
poolside festivities at least here, today...
and I kept pointing that out
which of course meant
FEAR HUGGIES,
and those are the BEST,
if you toss in sneak attacks
on lips and earlobes and things.
OH GOD
I AM SOOO GOOD AT THOSE.
Anyway, comfy it was and we were,
even while to any casual observer
mildly DERANGED was pretty obvious...
not to mention smoochily ANNOYING
to anyone other than another
newly together couple of 16yo
TWITS...
AND THEN...
into this absolutely idyllic domestic scene
(apart from the fast and furious war
being waged on the aforementioned lounger),
BUT, still...peace and quiet to the max,
yes, into
ALL THIS STILLNESS
AND MAYHEM...
came my mother.
Armed I am sure and vaccinated.
One can't ever be too careful
during an outbreak of smoochies.
Highly contagious and..
'Yes mom?'
Now it should be pointed out that
at this juncture of ANY
of our conversations throughout our long
(16 years not counting 9 months in solitary)
and sordid history...
I would hasten to add...
"And what did I do NOW?"
Presuming as I was there would be
a formal reading of all charges
at the preliminary hearing
which of course was never actually held.
My complaints to the propah authorities
always resulted with them being returned
and YEH RIGHT scribbled
on the envelope in crayon. I mean.
CRIPES.
I suspect postal mischief.
It's hard being an only child. Yah know?
Blaming others for the endless array of
mis-adventures and serious transgressions
I am constantly being accused of,
WRONGLY of course, is much harder
to blame on the others around you
WHEN YOU IT.
The dogs were NEVER any help,
with their perenially oh so innocent PRECIOUS faces...
and I HAD kinda
overdone the
'CAT. Yup. HE DONE IT,'
number and I had begun to suspect
that his retaliation was near.
URGH...and like I said,
adorable only goes so far.
"Yes mom?" I said in my MOST innocent
pure as the driven snow WHO ME?
look I am world-famous for
(and which I might add
NEVER WORKS.)
Does slow them down though,
right Warden?
Jake was reaching for his Coke,
while mother was busily working on
perfecting her hand
and facial signals inventory.
"WHAAAT?"I muttered,
while it should have been plain to see
I was working on
advancing my use of the
oft successful albeit somewhat devious
military strategy known as...
'clueless',
which always annoys her NO END
and makes me giggle,
but then...what doesn't.
OK, see I knew she wanted me
to leave my comfort zone
(been here and done this
OH so many tahmes)
and go where no son
IN LOVE I might add
FOR THE FIRST TIME
I might add quickly
and
FOR TWO DAYS I might add,
has gone...and talk privately
which Jake was bound to overhear
ANYWAY
(him having the hearing
of bats you see)
and so
'MOTHER? Harumph,
what IS the point here?'
You can jest picture the harumph
there now can't you.
Oh ok. OOPS! Silly me. Hahaha.
I had forgotten about his arms around me
AND about the fact I was glued to him.
CRAZY glue of course.
My adorable heinie and his...
uh...um...
well, you know.
YUP! So turrib sorry and all that momsie.
Can't get up right now. Has to wear off
yah know. Might take YEARS, and so...
JUST AS I was contemplating
my next move and working to perfection
that last one SHE...
the woman who bore me and trust me.
That little episode I barely remember was
NOT boring so they say).
This varmit woman reached over
and grabbed my left EAR.
OWWWW
OWW OWW OWW
OWWWWWWWWWW
Owwww...
oww. that hurts.
"OK, moms. I was just about to...(fume)"
Mothers VARMITS ALL.
but they do come in handy
during mealtimes.
OWW.
even while to any casual observer
mildly DERANGED was pretty obvious...
not to mention smoochily ANNOYING
to anyone other than another
newly together couple of 16yo
TWITS...
AND THEN...
into this absolutely idyllic domestic scene
(apart from the fast and furious war
being waged on the aforementioned lounger),
BUT, still...peace and quiet to the max,
yes, into
ALL THIS STILLNESS
AND MAYHEM...
came my mother.
Armed I am sure and vaccinated.
One can't ever be too careful
during an outbreak of smoochies.
Highly contagious and..
'Yes mom?'
Now it should be pointed out that
at this juncture of ANY
of our conversations throughout our long
(16 years not counting 9 months in solitary)
and sordid history...
I would hasten to add...
"And what did I do NOW?"
Presuming as I was there would be
a formal reading of all charges
at the preliminary hearing
which of course was never actually held.
My complaints to the propah authorities
always resulted with them being returned
and YEH RIGHT scribbled
on the envelope in crayon. I mean.
CRIPES.
I suspect postal mischief.
It's hard being an only child. Yah know?
Blaming others for the endless array of
mis-adventures and serious transgressions
I am constantly being accused of,
WRONGLY of course, is much harder
to blame on the others around you
WHEN YOU IT.
The dogs were NEVER any help,
with their perenially oh so innocent PRECIOUS faces...
and I HAD kinda
overdone the
'CAT. Yup. HE DONE IT,'
number and I had begun to suspect
that his retaliation was near.
URGH...and like I said,
adorable only goes so far.
"Yes mom?" I said in my MOST innocent
pure as the driven snow WHO ME?
look I am world-famous for
(and which I might add
NEVER WORKS.)
Does slow them down though,
right Warden?
Jake was reaching for his Coke,
while mother was busily working on
perfecting her hand
and facial signals inventory.
"WHAAAT?"I muttered,
while it should have been plain to see
I was working on
advancing my use of the
oft successful albeit somewhat devious
military strategy known as...
'clueless',
which always annoys her NO END
and makes me giggle,
but then...what doesn't.
OK, see I knew she wanted me
to leave my comfort zone
(been here and done this
OH so many tahmes)
and go where no son
IN LOVE I might add
FOR THE FIRST TIME
I might add quickly
and
FOR TWO DAYS I might add,
has gone...and talk privately
which Jake was bound to overhear
ANYWAY
(him having the hearing
of bats you see)
and so
'MOTHER? Harumph,
what IS the point here?'
You can jest picture the harumph
there now can't you.
Oh ok. OOPS! Silly me. Hahaha.
I had forgotten about his arms around me
AND about the fact I was glued to him.
CRAZY glue of course.
My adorable heinie and his...
uh...um...
well, you know.
YUP! So turrib sorry and all that momsie.
Can't get up right now. Has to wear off
yah know. Might take YEARS, and so...
JUST AS I was contemplating
my next move and working to perfection
that last one SHE...
the woman who bore me and trust me.
That little episode I barely remember was
NOT boring so they say).
This varmit woman reached over
and grabbed my left EAR.
OWWWW
OWW OWW OWW
OWWWWWWWWWW
Owwww...
oww. that hurts.
"OK, moms. I was just about to...(fume)"
Mothers VARMITS ALL.
but they do come in handy
during mealtimes.
OWW.
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