I STOPPED,
almost as if I was frozen in place.
A feeling I would get used to over the next few years.
AND THIS WAS MY FIRST ENCOUNTER
with my future, as now defined by the master of my universe.
JAKE.
___________________________________
I couldn't move. I couldn't speak,
I couldn't do ANYTHING
but stand there like a loon
and stare at him.
"YOU IDIOT," I kept berating myself
under my breath as if that was doing
any good whatsoever or ever would.
I watched (IN AWE) as he came over the
wood barrier marked DO NOT ENTER,
just as I had.
Although HE did it perfectly.
Flawlessly, seamlessly...
while I who can't even wear shoes
while I who can't even wear shoes
I have to tie
because that is beyond my meager abilities
floundered over it like a, well...
a flounder. FISH ANYONE?
I continued to stand staring
and just knew I looked like
a sweaty form of the
KLUTZBIRD...
a terribly rare species so I am told but my specialty doncha know, as he walked toward me and I also knew you could hear my heart pounding and my breath panting like a cow giving birth.
SOOO graceful at moments like this when
one just KNOWS one is in the presence
of angels or royalty or your future in-law,
or something equally as
HORRIBLY IMPORTANT...
and YOU can't help but just stand there making a
COMPLETE AND TOTAL DOOFUS
out of yourself.
SIGH. But what IS one to do
when one is biologically...
GRACE-DEPRIVED.
As usual, I have NO clue.
By now he was standing so close to me
as to be able to smell the fear of my
possible total extinction at any moment
which was emanating from my sweat glands
I am sure...which were
by then discharging like a
sewage treatment plant on steroids.
Tickets please, step right up! No?
Oh dear, he seems to have passed on
without us. Ah well, now over here...
GOD...WHY ME?
I am at this VERY MOMENT
standing in front of
THE MOST PERFECT PERSON
awn thah planet doncha know,
and best of all?
I am about to commit suicide by DOOFUS simultaneously. Amazing feat.
Probably do it with my feet.
Something gracefully RETARDED
like that.
EVEN AS WE SPEAK,
(although by now he had said hello
millions of times and I had just stood their panting, drooling, and wishing the bridge which if memory serves me is thousands of years old and wouldn't it be nice if it kinda just, yah know...
COLLAPSED RIGHT NOW?
If it wouldn't be too much trouble
or anything?
I was by now totally incapable of anything
even remotely resembling coherent speech. Incoherent too although I am sure I was
closer to that last one.
BUT NO!
A report JUST IN from the inspectors of old rotten abandoned iron bridges and it would appear THIS SUCKER is going to
survive for CENTURIES...
and so will my total dysfunctionality
at this rate.
THANK YOU NOT SO VERY MUCH.
Fuck, NOW what?
Voice? Where hast thou gone?
Ahh...same place as
grace, brains, and poise.
WONDERFUL,
and I hope everyone is just
SOOO having a good time.
CRAP.
Okay, all the while this little adventure
into the bowels of whatever was going on...
was, going on...
as it was and all,
I WAS noticing a couple of things.
Honest I was.
Gee, wonder about what...or who?
HIS EYES...
GOD, so incredibly blue.
Just like a pristine lake without the fiddies.
HIS FACE, clear as a bell and free of
anything even hinting of imperfection...
I just bet he had never even heard
the word acne...GEEZ, and CUTE?
GOD DAMN HOT DAMN
WHOOOOOAAAA
SHIT is he C U T E! HOT DANG.
TOTALLY RAD YAH KNOW.
Handsome too and awesome
and that is a lot
to ask of one face.
A face that can make me vibrate to my toes and twitch my nose while shaking with a fever, AND while he reaches over to pull my lever. Keeps me dry in the pouring rain while every vestige of my right good sense goes slurp gurgle down the drain..and OMG is this dude ambi-dextrous or what.
Noper. ALL THAT is definitely not easy.
But he managed and somehow I knew this vision of angelic wonder always would.
BODY? Oh you know. Nothing special..
JUST OHHHHHH....TO DIE FOR.
Oh trust me on that one.
I was there, and I YAM
somewhat of an expert on the subject.
OH yahs. Regular ol' experty I IS,
so believe me. I was riiiiight there
scoping this DUUUUDE...OUT,
and yes he had a body which could have
made my tassels rotate had I had any.
(Having a body btw is kind of nice.
Keeps one's hair from falling into one's shoes.)
Anyway, Jake had a body that could make one's entire complex molecular structure do things even GOD knows nothing about.
("but He will now if I have anything to say about it," I thought to myself).
I have seen plenty of other to die for
or did die
or whatever bods,
(gym class and the pool, and the beach...
not to mention my other occupation
as a peeping Dusty.
I never get Rusty in the looky dept.)...
and THIS ONE? OMG.
He stood there in front of me in his
bone white tee-shirt
and his denim cut-offs...
which as I was looking at him
were cutting off MY CIRCULATION.
Ahem.
SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!
His hair.
That was the first thing I noticed.
Well, right after the eyes.
I am always drawn FIRST to someone's eyes.
But Jake's hair?
The color of SPUN HONEYand shaggy.
Not dopey like some shaggy cuts are,
but well, yah know, sorta like MINE.
Almost makes you blind, so fine.
YES like mine only MAH coiffe
is dusty blonde (of course) in the winter
and strawberry in the summer...
and I would have bet money that
the shaggy dog stuffies were where
the similarities stopped. HAH.
NOT that I wanted anything
about this little about to be
piece of my heart to stop
ANYTHING.
Drool. Drool fool I was.
Tanned and then some and
no tan lines either I was willing to bet.
Dark tanned.
Really really dark tanned
which set against his blonde hair
and the most flawless set of teeth
that I have ever seen outside of a
dental laboratory?
Just kinda kept me gulping air.
"HI," I said
(or oozed or gushed or what EVER...)
and I at once both blushed
and passed away...
which is not that easy to do
since I am not given kudos for
multi-tasking normally.
But at this point,
I'll take whatever accolades come cruising
in my direction.
WITH BENEFITS, such as...
sanity would be nice. Glib, hell.
COGENT.
Not likely.
Suddenly I noticed he was smiling.
AT ME!
I mean. This dude had somewhere
along the way while my mind was in
serious melt-down followed closely
by the rest of me
begun to smile at me...
and the
PLANET warmed
several degrees.
Ok, so it was me. I DID!
BITE ME!
But hey...
Question?
Is it possible to die a number of times consecutively in rapid succession? I simply must check into that the next time I am NOT dead which may never happen again.
GOOD GOD,
"HI?"
I bet the committee who oversees such things will be arriving jest any minute now to give me the 'DOOFUS OF THE MONTH' award.
You may be noticing here that I was cutting myself NO slack, but...why bother? I won't survive this much longer anyway. No human being can possibly stand to be in the presence of THIS level of perfection without succumbing to shortness of breath and then NO breath.
I LOOKED I am sure...
like the poster child for catatonia.
I just stood there, doing my
world-famous interpretation of a
ZOMBIE,
AS HE smiled at me.
The most beautiful smile
I had ever seen. That kind you know?
Smiled?
Ok, something is wrong here.
Does he not SEE? What a doofus I am?
Surely he must. It is obvious.
I mean. LOOK!
That squirrel over there is laughing
his nuts off at me I jest knows it.
He stepped a bit closer.
"Uh Oh," I thought right before God
pulled the plug and life as we know it
ceased and so did I...
OH PLEASE GOD!
I know I swayed and damn near fell down
and THAT would have been the end of
ANY possibility of little ol' me hiding
MY KLUTZ FACTOR,
AT ALL,
(which is like the X-Factor only without the talent. Period.)
"My name is Jake," he said toothily,
and I boys and gerbils,
I RIGHT THEN AND THERE...
IN FRONT OF THE SQUIRREL,
THE BRIDGE,
JAKE,
MY SANDALS,
A NUMBER OF SMALL VARMITS
WHO HAD ARRIVED TO WATCH
THE SHOW,
(amazing how fast word travels in the woodlands, ESPECIALLY when the gossip centers around ME making a damn fool
of myself),
AND GAWD AHLMAHTY HISSELF...
JUST...
FUCKING...
DIED.
(Jest put a posie tween mah folded paws,
and EWWWWlogy anyone?)
Now,
it's not as if I had ANY idea
of what language
he was speaking presently,
or what one I normally do, or...
MUSH ALERT HEAH!
Will someone please call the
Jello folks
and tell them
we found the run-away?
(and please bring some whipped creme).
At this point I started to tell him MY name,
which seemed the natural and normal thing
to do as if me and that normal thingy
had any knowledge of each other
at the moment.
YUP!
I had every intention of doing that,
yah know?
I really did and would have...
HONEST,
except for one small itty-bittsy
TEEEEEENY TINY...puny little detail.
I COULDN'T FUCKING REMEMBER IT.
SHIT! I KNOW IT TOO.
As well as I know my own...FUCK.
Can we come back to it, and I DO hope this isn't the
lightning round.
My lightning seems
to be in need of a small CHARGE.
HELLO? TRIPLE AAA?
Damn. I am so screwed here.
Where is a good mortician when you need one.
HELL, I will settle for a tow truck
right about now.
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