CHAPTER 9 - FIRST DANCE

A HOUSE FULL OF...
(WE SHALL SEE)

       
I knew what this felt like...

the walk to the electric chair.

A HUGE power failure would be nice 
right about now. Generators? Crap.

Dad was still AWOL and Jake had gone to 'freshen up.' 

ME? 
Fresh as it gets. LOL.

"FRESH FACED AND SMART ASSED."

"GEE THANKS MOM,"

and they wonder where I get it. HAH.

It did give me a bit of time to talk to mother, who I should add I do mess around 
with and all...

but whom I truly love, but if you tell her that 

I shall be forced to reconfigure your molecules.

HEEHEEHEE.

"Mom?"

"What honey?"

We felt we were as ready as we were ever going to get and so had gone to sit in the 4 seasons room and await the end of life as we know it.

This could have all been avoided you know.
Yup. I still think dad was wrong taking out the moat.
Just because it sprung a leak which closed the highway out front for days and then all the frigging fuss over the  pirranahs 
in 
Mrs Weatherfords petunias...

CAN'T THESE RURAL CRETINS 
TAKE A JOKE?

Frankly I was beginning to think mother was even a little nervous. MOM? MY MOTHER?

Yeh, like THAT is about to happen... 
EVER.

My mother is one kewl lady, 
under or over fire.

Oh yes she is. 
NOTHING ruffles her feathers 
or gets under them...

course there was this one occasion when I...

but...I think I will save that little number.

"Mom? You DO really like Jake doncha."

For a minute she just sat...
looking at me. 

"UH OH, lol."

Then...
she took my hands in hers,
a real Beaver and
June Cleaver moment here.

"Yes honey. 
Your father and I BOTH are
 very proud of you and 
really happy for you. 

It's obvious, sweetie. 

You and Jake love each other. 
TRULY love each other."

I damn near giggled.

"He seems a fine young man Dusty. 

Bright and funny and sensitive and talented,
not to mention quite the little hunkus too."
Then that woman winked at me.
WINKED? Geez. 

"He clearly loves the CRAP out of you honey. Why we aren't too sure of, 
but we just want you to be happy. Okay? "

"Uh, he loves the CRAP out of me?"

"Yes honey...
and it's about time too."

"REALLY MOTHER,
uh...really? I mean. 
You really think so?
GOD I love him sooo much, Mom,"
said with ALL the angst a 16yo can muster
believe me.

"I know honey," 
and the hand patting 
got a bit more intense. Sorta a 
heart to heart 
with percussion punctuation, 

"and by the way. Dusty. Honestly.

Where in heavens name did you 
EVER 

get that annoying nasty little 
prude streak of yours.

Not from my side of the family 
I can assure you."

"REEEEEALLY MOTHER,"

and then I realized 

I had just proved her point.

DRAT.

She laughed that wonderful laugh 
of hers which always gets ME going...
and there we were being 
two giggly looney-tunes 

when Jake came back.

Jake.

Back.

MUSIC began playing softly 
from somewhere

and lilacs were suddenly blooming

out of season. 
and...I could smell this wondrous...

"GOD I LOVE THIS DUDE.

DAMN!" as he sat down next to me

and pulled me onto his lap 
and then smooched 
the CRAP out of me.  
SEE? 

Geez. 
Tole you didn't I. 
Don't take much to get 
mah Jakey in smooch mode. 
THANK GAWD. 

A toilet probably flushed somewhere 
in Lithuania and HELL...
if that ain't a SMOOCH invite... 

HEHEHE.

The doorbell rang. 

OH PLEASE 
MARY MOTHER OF JESUS...

wait, I ain't KAFLIK...

Ok, I am now.

Hell I ain't Jewish either 
but I hang out with Jesus
and Bryan Weintraub, so...

From out in the front of the house 
we heard dad say or rather holler...

"I'LL GET IT,"

at which point all of us realized 
he had NO clue what was about to befall 
our little abode 
OR the devastation 
that was about to be inflicted upon it

OR...

you get the idea.

He was clueless.

AHHH. That's where I get it.

God knows Mother never is.

We heard the bell again, (and the misty moors began their cruel nightly evil dance amidst the willows and the steamy yet vaguely playful dance of the fairies...AH YES, the fairies.) 

I was losing it BIG TIME.
HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
IGOR....EEEE GORRRRRREEEE.

My mind was going 
a mile a minute 

one minute

and then would go blank the next.

OH GOOD, that will certainly endear me 

to the Mrs. Right?

I heard dad and the hordes, legions even, of 
strangely faceless but fortunately unarmed 
evil doers come for to DISSECT this Bear 
jest a moseyin' down the hall 
like a chorus line 
from HELL.

EEEK!

SAVE ME JAKE

SAVE ME...

while I heard a laugh coming 
from next to me.

I shuddered. 
It was the most EVIL laugh 
I had ever heard. 
I turned and Jake had turned into 
the hunchback of Des Moines or something...

worst acne ever,
 NO TRACE of EVER seeing 
a dentist, and the swollen belly 
which reminded me of...
NOTHING.

Holy mother of bat guano. 
I should have fainted by now.

DAMMIT 
I EARNED A GOOD FAINT HERE.

1, 2, 3...faint. NO? DAMMIT

I DEMA...

"Dusty honey, 
I want you to meet my mother."

OKAY! SEE, fainting was meant for 
before, see?

NOT NOW...

but...now it is. 
I turned to face my accuser 
aka Jake's mom...
and I went down like the literal
 Titanic 
only a HELL of a lot faster. 

Fewer passengers you see.

NONE AT ALL ABOVE THE NECK/ WATERLINE.

GEEZ.