CHAPTER 8 - JAKE & DUSTY: LEARNING HOW TO COUPLE, Part II

   AN EVENING WITH A BUNCH OF...

Dinner was over and we were helping

mother in the kitchen, while dad had gone 

off somewhere...ostensibly on business. 

Probably in his home office 
aka STAY OUT...

"Hey, where does this go, sweetboy?"

"Here," and I opened a cupboard

and he went..."Ahhh," 
and just for that incredibly difficult 
and complex maneuver

which led to his being better informed 
about our kitchen, 
I got smooched...
and oh trust me 
I was seriously overdue 
for one 
and he did give it his best shot.

YUM!

It should be noted. He smooches me 
just because it is 2pm or because 
it isn't raining...
or the pig futures weren't.

One day recently a truck blew its horn

on the road out front...
and oh hell

that calls for a SMOOCH.

Or you know, pretty much anything 

and do I mind?  OH HELL no.

Jake tastes so damn good and his lips?
Oh my GAWD, so yummmm. 

BUT..

suddenly I felt that eerie feeling one gets

when one is being scrutinized 
or investigated or you know, watched,
or...

I turned...to see my mother

standing
(actually leaning up against

the sink and just staring. At US. 

EEEK!

"Observing life at its primal best,"
she told me later. Strange woman, mom.)

"WHAAAAAT?"

I asked her hoping I was acting 
thoroughly indignant...at her 
horrible faux pas, not that that 
would have mattered 

a whit to her.

MY mother is BEYOND 
such subtleties 
and nuanced stuffies like that 
you see...and not because 
she doesn't get them. 

Trust me. 
She gets them,

it's just that she is not one prone to
cutting ME...ANY slack whatsoever.

I used to think that was a mother thing 

but now that I am older I am not so sure.
Perhaps a MY mother thingy.

"Nothing at all, sweetie,"
and she, uh, smiled. Sorta.

Oh yes, when she calls me sweetie?

In that tone of voice? 

BELIEVE THIS. 

It's ONE STEP REMOVED

from 'YOUNG MAN' OR 'MISTER'

or using my FULL name.

THAT LAST ONE has GAS CHAMBER

written allllll over it.

The other two are merely a stiff warning 

and life in prison...somewhere else.

But THIS time, I had caught her 
red-handed and she knew it. 
We both did and I, 
yon fair-haired knucklehead 
dat I bees,

intended to play this 
like a Boesendorfer 
without the Austrian accent. 

"MAAAAAAAAAWWWWM?"

SMIRK...

Hehehe...

I was enjoying this...
watching her squirm, 
knowing she was now mere 
PUTTY in mah hands and 
oh so gleeful Ah wath.

"Honey, I was thinking." 

"YES?"

"Yes honey. Thinking how 
HAPPY you look."

"Well, KEWL BEANS...YEH.
That's really...

Wait.
Uhhh, WHAT?" 
I thought to myself.

CRAP!
NOT FAIR.

Varmit woman,

always one step ahead.

Shudda seen that coming too.

Pfui.

Jake looked mildly amused.

HIM, I shall dispense with later.

Dispense, dispose...mere semantics.

"YEH?"

"YES Dusty. You are so...well,

I am just SO happy 
for both of you two."

and then she leaned into my ear 
with that 
conspiratorial thingus written 
ALLLLLL over it, and 
I got a bit queasy. 
Sorta like the pig gets JUST BEFORE...

"Seems to me honey, you found a 
really sweet guy in Jake.

Cute as a bugs ear too, huh,"
and she suddenly came out with an 
ear-to-ear grin the size of Australia 
without the Foster's.

"OK, BELOW THE BELT HERE,"

but, sigh, I shall take it and plead thanks,

CAUSE I THOUGHT JAKE
 WAS JUST ABOUT TO 
SELF-INCINERATE...

right then and there 
after that cute remark. 
Of course, AS USUAL, 
mother was right.

She WILL pay for that...
uh uh.

Then Jake moved in REALLY close
behind me 
(which always makes me suffer 
a moan attack following by fainting), 
and then 
moved his face up next to mine.

Looking at her over 
my right shoulder 
he said...

"Thanks," 

and he was blushing so hard 
I was afraid he was going to 
spontaneously combust. 

He told me later, after the hearing 
where I issued his pardon, 
that I was sporting a fire engine 
red tone color mahselfie.

WELL, PFUI. 
Weren't WE just the couple of 
strawberry misfits all of a sudden.

We both appreciated it though 
and in all likelihood would have 
stuttered and stammered 
and blushed the rest 
of the evening...
which would have required of course 
almost continuous smoochie injections.

This would have definitely occured, 
YES ABSOLUTELY, 

but for 'THE CALL.'

Uh oh.

YES! BOYS & WHATEVER... 

THE CALL, 
from Jakes mother...

asking to come over.

GOD LOVE A DUCK.

"MAWMMMM... 
I just remembered some 
really pressing business..in Qatar.

Jake needs to come and help 
of course...so please extend 

our deepest regr..."

Have you noticed? I always seem to be the one leading the naughty or imp or REALLY NAUGHTY parade?

Coincidence? Sure, I can go for that. 
Now it is NOT that Jake isn't capable or anything. It's just that 
I seem to get there first. 
It's all the years of practice I'm sure. 
LOL.

I believe it was right about then 

I looked up at my mothers face 

and KNEW...

THAT wasn't happening.

I spent a moment or two 

plotting her imminent demise, 
but then...

I've been doing that 

since I was four and we see 
how well that's worked out,

CRAP!

"Oh, and she said she is bringing 
shortcake with FRESH strawberries."

"Is that what they served at the last supper,"
I wondered, and silently began to
simultaneously mind you...
sob, pray, order 2 tickets to 
the South of anything far away 
preferably somewhere without phones.

France, perfect. Bumscrew? 
Not on any maps? Even more perfect. 

Then the bubble burst and...
EEEK!